I suck at buying Schroeder Christmas gifts. Every year I try to get him something he’ll like and fail miserably. This year I was going to take a new approach, I was going to ask his Fiancée for advice! After a bit of back and forth we finally narrowed it down. Schroeder had his eye on these ridiculously expensive pans from William Sonoma. Specifically All-Clad square bottom pans. I get a link from his fiancée and order the pan. W00t mission accomplished forward the order info to him and expect to be done. Pats on the back for everyone.
This sadly was not the conclusion. Upon closer inspection, it turns out I absent mindedly moved away from the original pan and ordered a literal square bottom pan where really it’s like a type of pan… I don’t even know. Shit. OK no big deal I’ll just go online cancel the order and place a new one. After about 10 minutes of searching… there’s no frikkin way to cancel my order online. So William Sonoma can handle letting me spend copious amounts of money but god forbid they give me an easy option to cancel an order. Ok… That’s cool I’ll just call them, cause I love being put on hold to do something that every other e-retailer has figured out how to do ten years ago.
So after 10 minutes of hold time, I get through to a real person and cancel my order. Done and Done. Fast forward two nights later and I get two confirmation emails. Ok first one is the product I meant to buy that’s cool. Second one is the product I cancelled and be mailed to Ohio. WTF! So I immediately call William Sonoma and go through their automated answering service, as soon as I ask to be connected to a customer rep, it hangs up! I try this three more times (maybe it’s a fluke) always the same result. Sweet I guess William-Sonoma… wait you know what they don’t deserve to be called by their real name, I’m changing it to turd monkey. Hence forth William Sonoma will be referred to as Turd Monkey is this post.
So anyway… Turd Monkey apparently isn’t smart enough to just have their computer operated customer service to say we’re closed when you try to get an operator, instead it just hangs up on you. Fucking fantastic. Ok Cool… I’ll wait till the morning hopefully this was just some dumb oversight on their end.
Next day I call Turd Monkey right away, get a hold of an operator. Explain my situation. I bought two things. One of the things was wrong. Customer Service canceled it within two hours of the order, but for some reason it still shipped. Apparently at Turd Monkey a cancelation is just a hopeful promise. Sometimes the warehouse doesn’t get the order update in time (in my case two days) and still ships it anyway. Well wait this is a gift I don’t want my friend to get two pans and then be forced to package one up and return it.
So after some very polite complaining Turd Monkey said they would call UPS and reroute the package back to the warehouse. OK fine just fucking do it Jesus… after being put on hold for 20 minutes… (The turd monkey rep was put on hold at ups so I had to stay on hold while she was on hold… it was very meta) Its rerouting back to their warehouse thank god! But wait there’s more, apparently this costs Turd Monkey $20 to do and they were going to charge me. Holy Shit! Despite me canceling my order within two hours, you mail it two days later anyway. Then you try to hit me with a mailing charge. After very calmly explaining the fucked-upness of this to the rep she worked it out so I would have to pay. Cool! I’m done I’m out! It’s being returned!
But wait there’s more! I get the update my package is delivered Turd Monkey has their stupid pan and I should get my refund any day now. I wait… I wait some more… I forget about it… Then one day after I get back from NYC I check my credit card and lo and behold still no refund. OK FINE I’ll call turd monkey’s customer service ONE MORE FUCKING TIME. Well guess what after reading reviews online Turd Monkey is apparently know for absolutely shit customer service, and every damn person in America is calling to complain while I’m trying to get through. Normally I’d just go during off hours but we already know the answer to that. So I google the number and call… I get put on hold for about 15 minutes, but this hold is weird. There’s no sound, it’s just silent. I occasionally hear static and I’m connected but nothing. Eventually I just assume their automated answering service is fucked, hang up and try again. Ok calm down… Don’t stab anyone…
I call again and get put on proper hold with crappy music and everything. Fine… After 15 minutes this happens…
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Yes that’s right over the course of my hour long hold the automated response would periodically play a very high pitched screechy beep noise for about a minute I think it’s a tactic to get people off the line. After all this I am determined though and I will not let Turd Monkey defeat me. Finally I get someone on hold, but based on everything I know about customer service yelling at the poor minimum wage people who get yelled at all day isn’t the best idea. So I put on my best smile politely ask for my refund and she says it will be there tomorrow.
It wasn’t…
But thankfully it was about three days later. I’m out! Turd Monkey has freed me from their evil perpetual cycle of dysfunction! The moral of the story kids is never buy anything from a place that has a 1-star customer service review score on consumer reports.
One last side note apparently I still got Schroeder the wrong pan. He returned it and bought a bigger more expensive one. I quit.