Ok this is going to be a bitching post. I can’t help it, I like to piss and moan about things that annoy me or frustrate me. It must be the Jew in me…
Here goes. Stupid freaking Information warfare class. Chris and I have spent way to much time on our break in lab and we have gotten virtually nowhere. I’ve tried every tool / exploit I can think of, and have discover no user name password combination. Stupid movies like Hackers and Swordfish are complete lies. First off while I am attempting to hack there is no sweet techno music going on. I have not once received a blowjob in the middle of my hack attempts either. Nor has John Travolta appeared with a gun, telling me I have 100 seconds to break in to this system that a normal hacker couldn’t break in 100 hours. I suppose I’m grateful for option three not happening, but the BJ and the Techno music would be cool.
Ok gripe number two. How many people have listened to Dane Cook? For those of you who just answered out loud, you are retards. You are talking to a webpage. Anyway, so to throw out the reference here’s the quote
I said to her “nay… there are other things guys want more than sex. we’re just a little embarrassed to admit them but im putting it out in the universe so you can respect us for who we are as men” for example any guy here more than sex if they had the choice of sex or this one other thing any guy here would rather be part of a heist! You know when you watch the movie “Heat” your like “I wanna do that!” you just wanna be running down mainstreet with an AK-47…pffffpffffpffff WHERE’S THE VAN! pffffpffff THE VAN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!pffffff. We want that guy who’s on a computer and is like “give me a minute I just need one more minute dude I need one more minute to hack into the mainframe. I’m in Frenster they re-routed me into Frenster I need a minute…WHERE’S THE FUCKING VAN!pfffff.
So I was like holy shit that’s hilarious, that is great reason to rent the movie Heat. First off Heat is three fucking hours long. I get that Al Pacino and De Niro are great actors, but three hours! I was about to fall asleep in an action movie, WTF. But more importantly not once, not ONCE did anyone yell “WHERE’S THE FUCKING VAN!” Dane Cook lied to me, that Son of B, and I will never forgive him for this. On a more hilarious note, the All State guy is in Heat, and he totally gets in to a car accident. Though I don’t think you can hold that against him since he got shot in the head before the accident occurred. Do you think All State covers accidents caused by bullet wounds? Also whats the deal with Natalie Portman being underage in that movie, I know it would violate some law of physics for her to be 18+ in 1995, but I still thought it would be extremely pedophilish for me to have dirty thoughts about her while watching that movie. But you know what I still did, mmmm Natalie.
Finally, people need to stop bitching and moaning about the Bear Stearns bailout. Yes, I get it’s like a govt bail out for corporate America. But the options were help JP bail out this small but entangled investment powerhouse or let the United States economy go in to apocalypse style chaos, where people make runs on the bank for money the banks don’t have, because they invested your money in risk backed securities, that were then backed by sub prime mortgages, held by the Family of 8 on the poverty line, living in the three hundred thousand dollar house, who shoot squirrel on the weekend for fun and good eat’n.
Comments:
Ok first, the challenge question to the post acutally threw me off…wow. I think I’m retarded.
Second, thanks for making me laugh. No I didn’t answer the Dane Cook question out loud, but I did lol…
Third, Bear Stearns. I think the govt should give them the middle finger. I wish the damn economy would crash. It needs to correct from the huge bubble it has been going on for a few decades now. We’re just post-poning a crash/market-correction for later when it will be bigger.
Posted by Kenny at 10:44 PM on April 7, 2008
Yeah I was having a severe spam issue and I’m far to lazy to implement something clever so instead I challenge people / spambots with basic math…
Though I am pro bubble bursting, we don’t need violent bubble bursting. Basically soft landing, also with the fed intervention it also means more regulation which may be good considering the current financial institutions are not exactly straight and level. Just hopefully we don’t get too much control, eep.
Posted by Halfcent at 11:06 PM on April 7, 2008
Alex, you read far too much of the economist. I’m all for a bubble burst in the most violent way possible (we don’t need no water), subsequent financial dark age, followed finally by a financial renaissance. That way we’ll have a nice new shiny system to work with instead of a broken-down, over regulated patchwork one.
p.s. when do you move into your house? Alex and I want to visit!
Posted by Vince at 07:42 AM on April 8, 2008
You can never read to much of the economist. As for the bubble, I am somewhat glad it burst, because the housing market was way over valued, and giving people homes who don’t have an income, makes no sense. As for the Baer Sterns bail out, not sure if the whole economy would have crashed. The people I feel the worst for though are the employees of Baer Sterns who are in limbo which has to suck.
Posted by You Sister at 10:01 PM on April 10, 2008
As a comedy student and judge I feel obligated to mention these points. Not because they’re obscure, but because they are obvious, and you should have known them instantly upon hearing the joke the first time.
1) It’s Friendster, not Frenster, the famous social networking site at the time, that had pop up ads everywhere.
2) The narration is a conglomeration of every heist movie ever, which is part of why its funny. The movie Heat is just a good guy movie that Dane uses to set tone, interchangeable with any other heist movie and not necessarily depicted by the following narration.
3) As much as I love Dane Cook, this is literally, the last funny joke he made. Anything before this is funny, but any joke after this is legally unquotable. Keep that in mind.
Posted by rory at 12:47 PM on April 11, 2008
1) I so agree with Rory’s #2. It is not a joke when you just tell the plot of a movie… Did you think that Heat referenced Friendster too??
2) The title of this post is, “My Bitchy Post.” It incorrectly seems to suggest that this is in fact your one and only bitchy post and that not all of your posts are bitchy.
3) 🙂
Posted by Chelsea at 09:24 AM on April 12, 2008
1) You stole my challenge plugin
2) This post really wasn’t that bitchy. I’d say it’s more ranty.
3) If you think Natalie Portman is hot in Heat, you should rent Leon: The Professional(wherein she’s one year younger than in Heat) – just satisfying your pedophilesque needs
4) Wooh DLD 2008!
Posted by Mills at 01:36 PM on April 21, 2008
Rory, you are right it is Friendster, my bad for lazily copying and pasting the quote from some other website.
Also I don’t friggin care if it was a compilation. I was lead to believe there was a van and it was missing and I felt let down. I mean Heat did have a van, and it did have ak47s in mainstreet. So I got really excited but then felt crush when it didn’t all come together.
Chelsea, touche I have many many bitchy posts.
George, W00t DLD 2008! And I will have to rewatch The Professional.
Posted by halfcent at 12:16 AM on April 22, 2008