Ack… I am getting sadder and sadder as the days start running together towards graduation. In about a week I will have no more undergraduate classes to take, ever again. This part doesn’t actually make me sad. It’s the fact that I’ll be leaving Rose behind. Not in the sense that I’ll never see it again, cause that’s not true, but in the sense I won’t be living, breathing, or experiencing the life of my school. I know the classes are hard, there practically no girls, and the resulting debt will leave me paying off student loans for a long time. This year I feel like I have really found my place. I’m no longer sideline player in my social group, but instead a key piece that people turn to for advice, wisdom, or just to have a good time. Hell the girl issue has been pretty non-existent this year too, when ever I want to go out there always seemed to be a gaggle of DG’s in the waiting. Actually having girls reintroduced in to my social system has created a dynamic I hadn’t been accustom too since I was but a mere High-Schooler. Of course because I’m moving to Iowa, this pleasure of female availability will disappear yet again.
I have come to a recent realization, even though the events are few, I really like the whole GF/BF thing. The simple things like having a girl with her arms wrapped around me while I sleep, the way she holds my hand when I drive, or just the warm embrace that she gives before leaving. Even though I’ve never had a real relationship, these events that have happened leave me in desire. Of course with all this I have an inability to be intimate with people. I have an innate distrust of pretty much everyone, and therefore any attempt for me to let my guard down is fruitless. I never act in the way I desire, instead I hold back everything. For the sheer volume that I talk, I rarely utter one word or act in anyway that relates to my inner workings. Of course, the resulting problem is that whenever I drink my impassible wall crumbles, and my overwhelming amount of angst or desire pours out. Sometimes my mind gets away from me and my asexual nature is replaced by a rampaging sexual deviant. I won’t allow myself to feel good in this way, even if I wanted too my subconscious wouldn’t allow it. I’ve held on to my virginity through college’s entirety (anything before this time is irrelevant). I remember staring in to many different girls faces, with their eyes filled with desire for me, and I can’t bring myself to make the move, no matter how much I want it. I believe that if I could just allow my self this carnal craving I could eliminate this barrier of bleak grayness that surrounds me.
PS please don’t respond with the virtuousness of virginity, or if you share any blood with me I don’t really want your opinion, and believe me I’ll know even if you leave it anonymously.