So, my dad died in early December. I should have written about this then, but I just wasn’t there emotionally or mentally. I came home and distracted myself with work. Then I distracted myself with the holidays. Finally, I distracted myself with you. It feels raw to have a loved one pass. My dad has some variations of Alzheimer’s. I don’t know what he was officially diagnosed with, but he felt like the guy from the movie memento. I could have a perfectly normal conversation with him, but then a minute later we could have the same conversation. Fortunately, he always remembered who I was. One perk of this is every time I told him you existed, he was sooooo happy. Like over the moon happy. He would cry occasionally because he was so overwhelmed with emotion. We thought we had a bit more time and so planned a trip out to see him the week after thanksgiving. It was going to be your first plane ride. You finally had your second covid shot and we were between the holidays, so it felt right to go. Sadly the day after Thanksgiving the nursing home called and said you need to get here now. So instead of bringing the family I panic bought a plane ticket and was in MN on a Monday. The Tuesday I got snowed in and wasn’t able to make the drive to visit my dad. Wednesday I finally met with my sister and we saw Dad. It was hard he wasn’t in a good place. He was breathing rapidly, and he was unconscious.
We talked for a couple hours about nothing in particular. We just thought the sound of our voices would provide him comfort. We got lunch and when we came back they told us he was comfortable. We went to his room, and he was pretty silent. We chatted for a bit; I thought I felt his heart beat so we wait a bit longer. As I was getting up to leave, I checked his forehead and it was cold. We think he passed right before we got there and just couldn’t tell while we were in his room. They say family waits to die. They hold on till their loved ones are present. I think this is what happened here. My dad passed as soon as he could hear our voices. My dad was a hard person to know, but I know he deeply loved his kids. I’ll be sad you never got the chance to meet him in person, but I take solace that he did see you via zoom many times, and we talked about you a lot. I also have a lot of videos that’s admittedly a little rambly but he is talking about you which is very nice to have.
My greatest fear in life (outside of something happening to my loved ones) is going the way my dad did. I don’t want to be away from the people I care about. I want to still connect in person even If I’m not fully mentally there. It’s easy as kids to think there will always be more time, cause well there is always more time for us. We’re younger, we have a lot more runway to go, but our elders don’t have that same luxury and we need to remember that. Fortunately for you Teddy, unlike my dad, hopefully I’ll have a lot more resources and when I get old, I can just live near you, instead of expecting you to fly halfway across the country for a visit once a year.
Thankfully my dad was happy right till the end which is something we can all strive for.