It’s amazing the little things that can set us off. This week has been particularly stressful between work and school there is a lot to get done. Especially since I’m gone on a cabin trip all weekend. Besides the point, I randomly decided to click on a person named Nikki’s profile on facebook. Nikki was a “friend” until Beth and I broke up, then I saw her obvious sneaking behind my back and deceitfulness which turned her in to a nothing to me. I honestly think becoming a nothing to me is a worse bucket then when I loathe someone. Being nothing by me, means I could care less if you died in a fire. If you needed help I wouldn’t offer. Someone I loath could ask for help and for some reason I would still offer, maybe cause I have some vain hope our relationship will recover. I felt this way about both of my exes, but I never nothing’d them. Anywho, I saw Beth had posted on Nikki’s wall so I decided to look at her profile, she had defriended me long ago, but I can still see some of her profile. The sheer act of seeing her profile just ruined me for 10 minutes. Created a tightness in my chest and a sense of rage knowing she’s still dating the guy she started seeing immediately after we broke up. I tried raging, reading, and now I’m writing. You would think 3 years on the pain would be less poignant. But the reality is seeing my ex’s in successful relationships makes me feel like such an utter failure. I know I’m not ugly, or socially dysfunctional. I’m well off for the most part, and I would hope easy enough to talk to. But no, I still fail. There’s a scene in Bones where Agent Seeley got rejected on his Marriage proposal and he has a breakdown, not understanding why no one wants the love that he has to give. I feel that way often and its hard to deal with.
Honestly though what is there really you can do. I’m single, I’m actively staying single. I know where I want to be in 6 months. I know that I’m in this quasi flight pattern state. I’m just suffering such anxiety waiting to leave my holding pattern. What then. I move to Denver are the pieces really supposed to fall together? It took me 18 months to Date Joy from when Beth broke my heart. What makes me think starting in square one where I know nobody will improve my odds? I suppose when it comes down to it, you just have to hope for the best. If you give up on that then how could you have convince yourself to move forward.