Sometimes I feel ok. Like things aren’t so bad, but then other times I feel like my heart has been stabbed, that my future was erased. Maybe that’s where the pain came from, in my mind I had this girl who I loved greatly, beautiful children, a dog, a fenced yard, and now I see none of it. What might have been, that seemed like such a sure thing, slipping away like smoke through finger tips.
So now I merely exist. I work towards some pointless goals I set for my self, because without them I would have no reason to exist. I’m trying hard to come to terms with the emptiness, but can you ever truly do this? I move from day to day with little to no purpose.
I just earned my 5 year anniversary at work. I got a little certificate and I plan on getting it framed. Everyone asked why I was so sad after getting it, and its not that I’m sad I’ve been at Rockwell for 5 years, its that I felt I had no one to share that joy with after I had earned it. No one to be excited with, and this seems to be a reoccurring issue lately, I succeed, but without the reflection of another it all seems so meaningless. I’m such a girl.
Here’s my current checklist. Why it exists I couldn’t tell you.
X – Masters of Computer Science
X – IA Certificate
_ – Masters of Business
_ – CISSP Certification
_ – Masters of Information Assurance (maybe)
_ – Yoga Certification