I think I have one of these posts every couple years; they are usually triggered by some odd flash back moment resulting from some media from the 90s. This post is brought to you by “10 Things I Hate About You” I remember who I was before college. I remember how much I hated me. Is it wrong to hate your childhood and what you were? It was like 10 years ago and I still feel pain when I see pictures of myself. I know it wasn’t my fault that I was small (still am) or that I smelled bad, god how much I got teased for that one. It just hurts when I remember it. I then see all these other people in real life or movies and I just pretend like they had this perfect existence. Like they never got made fun or had issues to deal with outside of school.
Now here I am technically a successful adult but I still feel like that nerdy kid whenever I meet new people. I feel especially bad if it’s a person from high school who I wasn’t the greatest of friend with. Put me in front Lindsay Eckert and I’d probably pass out from inadequacy. I wonder when I can transition, when I’ll feel like the cool kid. I doubt ever. I could become the CEO of Rockwell or Boeing and still go to my high school reunion suffering anxiety. I just want to be liked and feel like I matter to others, is that sp wrong? Will I ever be able to accept that it actually might already true. One day.