Note: Entry has been edited by author… Too depressing to look at. Summarized version below:
Girl I’m obsessed with is getting married
Hate myself, can’t let go
Slowly Dieing on inside
No Happy Ending
(It’s been enough time I decide to un-hide the hidden part also I’m pretty sure Karen is not the real name and I’m referring to my old hs crush – AWH 02/06/15)
*******Warning Don’t read if you wish to remain positive*************
It hit me at work today. Something I’ve been in denial about for years. Karen is getting married. I have to accept this. I know I have to accept it. I can’t. My mind is stuck in an infinite loop that it can’t get out of. For the past few months I have dealt with this news very emotionally detached. I’ve resisted the urge to truly feel anything about the wedding but I just couldn’t hold back the flood of emotion anymore. All that keeps going through my mind over and over again is why it couldn’t have been me. I’d give everything I have for a chance with Karen. The past few years have helped, I’ve become more detached, buried the part of me that feels anything. I know it’s not healthy but it’s the only way I think I can cope. I have to let go of this anger, this jealousy, this denial I keep having. I can’t! I can’t! The thought of letting go of what I’ve carried before I remember would destroy me. It’s so embedded in to who I am, there isn’t anyway I could let go even if I wanted too. I’m destined to ride in the back seat and watch my happy friends. I’m going to grow up, cold, unhappy, and alone. Where my time spent between work will consist of nothing that will bring me any meaning. I just want to lay my head down and stop worrying about this. Everyone thinks I am this happy go lucky kid, who is so hyper and can never shut up. No one, and when I say no one, I really mean not one person out there understands how I truly feel sometimes. People can not perceive me as being unhappy; it’s not an image I created for them. I have a few friends that know when I am being fake happy I do give them props for this. The most frustrating thing is when I talk to Karen, I am this fake happy, she’s never seen nor would she ever understand the turmoil that is inside. Once I would like to get mad, just really mad, yell at someone, do something. Its not in me, I can’t vent. This blog is the closest I ever get. Sadly this tale doesn’t have a happy ending. When I go to their wedding this winter, I will stand up, smile, give a toast, get a few laughs, and no one will be the wiser. I will leave the wedding, come back to where I live and be a little bit more dead on the inside, but I’ll trudge on because that is who I am, I don’t give up, on anything, no matter what…
PS I wanted to thank Kenny, the msg he left for me when I got home actually made me smile today when I didn’t think I could